HOROSCOPES: MAY

Your destiny was determined by the position of the Great Banana in the Sky and when you were born. Choice is an illusion. Ancient BanFam developed a method of foretelling your future known as the Horoscope.

Let it be known.

Aries (The Ram): March 21 - April 19

You’re in for a treat this month, Aries! A sweet surprise is coming your way. Prepare yourself! Our best guess is that it‘s a delivery of a decadent dessert with a passionate note! You’ll open the box, admire the gift, and swipe your finger through the icing only to squeal in delight to taste your favourite flavour. You’ll read the long, sentimental, personal message on the card attached to the parcel. It'll all be meant for somebody else, but the Great Banana says what it says.

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 - May 20

You know the little voice in your head that tells you to do the things you probably shouldn’t do? Why did you ever ignore that little guy? Turn the volume up on their mic and see what they have to say. They probably have some pretty good ideas, depending on your morals. Don’t ask questions, it won’t do you any good. We know you‘re curious Taurus, and to be honest, so are we.

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 - June 20

It’s renovation time, Gemini! You’ve always been over-confident in your handiness skills, so don’t start questioning them now. Tackle a new project, or finally get to that must-needed repair around the house. Start nailing shit into the walls! Begin painting a mural with no rough draft or plan. DEFINITELY hang something heavy from the ceiling. Faucet leaking? Stick some chewing gum on it and call it a day.

Cancer (The Crab): June 21 - July 22

Get crafty and reckless this month, Cancer. You spend too much time thinking and it’s time that you just let your creative and crazy side come to surface. Plus, the people around you deserve a taste of what you’re made of. We suggest doing the most artistically expressive and simulteously irresponsible thing possible: TP your neighbour’s house into a Masterpiece.

Leo (The Lion): July 23 - August 22

Oh, Leo. You’re such a Go Getter! You are never shy to tackle the biggest challenge in front of you... Or are you? Are you really going and getting the things that matter in the end? We want you to think about what you’re going to want by your side every night. What’s really going to make every morning something to look forward to. Don’t tell us. We already know. A 6x6 Creative Home Cupcake Factory.

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 - September 22

Virgo, you’ve been holding it together for too long. When was the last time you indulged in your inner child? It’s time to let loose and remember what it’s like to be a kid again. Eat everything with your hands, including your own hands. Take impromptu naps after temper tantrums. Have conversations with yourself. Cry incessantly. Shit your pants. You deserve this.

Libra (The Scales): September 23 - October 22

You’re a little high strung at times, Libra. It’s time to lower your standards - and

not just a little bit. You are long overdue to find somebody who balances you out. A Yang to your Yin, if you will. Check out your local dating apps and chat up the first person you see with all the classic red flags.

Scorpio (The Scorpion): October 23 - November 21

Wouldn’t it be nice if money didn’t exist? Why not act like it! We know you have been neglecting a bunch of your bills, Scorpio, and who cares? Stuff them in your favourite drawer of junk. Money should be spent where money deserves to be spent. Oh, that reminds you! Before the hydro gets shut off, buy scented candles off Amazon.

Sagittarius (The Archer): November 22 - December 21

Sagittarius, listen to us. You have the gift of cooking. Don’t let any number of full plates scraped into the garbage change your mind. You create a story with your dishes, and some people just don’t appreciate the romance of flavours. It’s their loss. Upload a YouTube cooking tutorial of a new special-never-before-attempted recipe and tag Gordon Ramsay. We’re rooting for you!

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 - January 19

It’s time for a hair cut, Capricorn. Trust your hands with the clippers and let them make art! Consider yourself another Arthur Ellis, or Sargy Mann. Who cares that you can’t see the back of your head! If you can’t see it, nobody else can, right? Whether you’ve done this before or not, there is no better time than the present. What’s the worst that could happen?

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 - February 18

You care too much about what others think. Prove to everyone that you aren’t an object in their narrative, and that you don’t have to uphold their standards. Stop brushing your teeth for awhile, Aquarius. Don’t bathe. Sneeze in your hands and rub your face. These are the simplest and yet most dramatic ways you can prove that you don’t belong in anybody’s box.

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 - March 20

Don’t give up, Pisces! Your efforts are going to pay off, and soon you’ll be free, soaking it up in the sun, and tanning those butt cheeks. As a famous fish once said, “Just Keep Swimming”. Keep your eye on the big picture and don’t get thrown off by the little obstacles and distractions along the w- OH look, a meme!

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